Both of my parents have dementia, as well as other health issues. Mom is aware. Dad struggles to accept Mom’s diagnosis and simply cannot perceive his own. Dad also has hearing loss in both ears. While both are fall risks, Mom has more trouble with this than Dad. She always uses a walker and can’t get out of bed without assistance.

Worried about something happening at night and her being unable to summon me, I bought a caregiver call pager system. Mom always wears a call button on a lanyard around her neck. The receivers are in my bedroom and the living room – opposite ends of the house. When she pushes the button, chimes can be heard throughout our home.  

The other night I was in the living room. It was 2:30 am and I was ignoring sleep to catch up on episodes of The Good Witch. The chimes rang, startling me, and I jumped out of the recliner and dashed to their bedroom. I always feel uneasy when it goes off during the middle of the night when they should be sleeping.

I will admit that, after they accidentally set the alarm off while “celebrating” Dad’s birthday earlier this year, I pause and whisper a wish each time before opening that door. I think all three of us would agree that once was one time too many for me to walk in on them. 

This time I found myself bombarded with questions as soon as Mom sees me. Why are people in the house? Where are the people at? What are they doing here???

Okay, so no sex. Hallelujah! I’m already breathing easier. This is likely just a dream or delusion, but I feel her forehead just in case another infection snuck up on us. UTIs are tricky things now, the usual symptoms no longer apply. Instead, weakness in limbs and delirium are what tip me off and then it’s a race to avoid the Emergency Room and/or hospitalization. Her temperature feels fine. No fever.  

This is where it gets tricky. The advice for dealing with dementia moments like this is to enter their reality and I’m good with that. But, when there’s two people with dementia, there’s two realities that don’t always match up. In this case, there’s also one person to comfort as he watches his beloved wife deteriorating.

So I enter her reality and reassure her that the people have all gone home now. The house is empty except for us.  But this confuses Dad, because obviously, there were never any crowds of people invading our home. It gets a little complicated!

Mom isn’t convinced, so I grab her walker and we take a stroll through the house, making sure all those people are gone before heading back into the bedroom. She needs to go to the bathroom, so once I get her settled, I pop back out to check on Dad, who’s sitting on the edge of the bed, vulnerable and forlorn. 

My parents have been married over 60 years. If ever there was a couple that made me believe in happily ever after forever, it’s them. Their bond becomes sweeter and stronger with each day. The thought of ever having to separate them in the future weighs heavy on me. It’s a decision I hope I never have to make.

I perch on the bed next to Dad and wrap an arm around him. Mom’s okay, I say, it was just a dream. She’ll be back in bed shortly. Sixty years is a long time to live life with someone, then slowly lose them. He climbs into bed while I retrieve Mom. A few minutes later, they’re both tucked in safely, all concerns abated, and lights out. The rest of the night is quiet. In the morning, all is forgotten.

The first time one of these incidents occurred, Mom was convinced that there was a baby in the house. She could hear the baby crying. Poor Dad. The look on his face when I told Mom that I would find the baby? He thought I was losing it, too! 

Sometimes, you wonder how their brains conjure up such strange thoughts and delusions.  A week or two ago, Mom told me that the New Testament had recently changed and that she had a copy of it on cassette that she needed to get to Jesus when her and Dad were transported to Heaven. She told me she had a package in her pants for Jesus and she needed to get it out. 

It’s okay to laugh. Honest! I sure did afterwards. And when I do, it’s not in front of her or at her. Never at her. Mom and I are both big believers in the power of laughter and she understands that sometimes you need to laugh, or you’ll scream, go mad, or give up. Finding the humor in a situation is a lesson she taught me.